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Am I Made for Something More?

Over the years, I’ve had multiple conversations with friends within a 10-year radius of my age about growing up being told we are special.

Did it set us up to think there is more to life than there is?

Are we all special?

Am I?

How do I know?

If we are all special, what does that even mean? What expectations come from being special? Internal and external?

How are we to know if we’re living up to our potential?

I’m a pretty funny person. I see the world in a particular way that seems completely normal to me, but there are times when I verbalize my view of the world and am met with shock and awe from those around me.

Does that mean I’m special? That I see the world in a way others don’t? And if so, then what? What do I do with my view of the world?

Do I write plays and poems and blog posts?

Is it meant for my nearest and dearest only?

Do I write it in my journal and keep it to myself?

Sometimes something funny will occur to me in real-time and even I am caught off-guard. I experience a deep sense of gratitude in those moments. It’s like I’m the originator AND the benefactor of the unfolding narrative.

But does that make me special? Does it mean I have a higher calling to pursue … something?

It’s easy to see someone else’s path and assume they chose it. But did they? The longer I live, the more it seems like each of our lives is a series of ebbs and flows, blunders and flourishes, near misses and accidental hits. Some knock it out of the park; some fall flat. Some connect; some float into the abyss, unseen. Some are ahead of their time; some are behind the curve.

If I can’t control it anyway, what do I do? How do I know where to put my time and energy?

Do I just do whatever appeals to me in the moment and see if people respond and how many? And then follow the path where my interests and giftings intersect with what other people seem to resonate with?

There is a tricky tension between following only what I find interesting and noting what others find interesting. I don’t want to lose myself and get caught up in only pleasing others, which is easy for me to do.

What matters? How do I decide?

It can seem easier to lay low and not make a stir.

But then I end up feeling sad, disconnected.

Who is it all for anyway?

How are connections made?

Am I made for something more? Or am I just dissatisfied with my mediocrity? What makes me so special that I deserve “more”?

Round and round it goes.

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