Updated: Sep 14, 2021
I have such a deep desire for perfection. I want to do things the “right” way. I don’t want to “waste time” taking the “wrong” path for any length of time.
But this isn’t how the world works.
And if I’m really honest, I’m glad it’s not.
There is no right and wrong.
I have to work every. single. day. to believe that statement. It does not exist in me on a cellular level. I have to work to override my programming. Daily.
It is so easy for me to see someone else’s finished product and tell myself a story of how easy it was for them. No risk. They had all the answers. They knew exactly what they were doing and where they were going from the start. And they received a glorious welcoming of their art into the world.
Cue music, streamers, parade, crowning ceremony. The works.
Looking behind the curtain at the actual, real, lived human experience that happens along the way, gives me an honest and accurate look at what “the journey” looks like: the missteps, the questions, the almost giving ups.
For so long, I thought some people “just had it”. In my deep longing to “just have it” too, I wanted others to look at me and think “she just has it.”
Now that I’ve seen behind enough curtains, I know that’s not true. Perpetuating that belief is the source of so much pain and striving.
There is still a deep ache inside me that wishes I knew it all, could do it all, with no risk or feelings of insecurity. With confidence and without that empty-gut feeling that makes me want to throw up.
But as I navigate real life, take real risks, face real insecurities, I want to show everyone what’s behind the curtain.
It’s feeling fear but doing it anyway.
It’s sharing the journey with a few trusted people, so I’m not alone.
It’s looking deep within for my truth instead of reaching out to others to validate me or solve something only I can truly solve.
It’s being gut-wrenchingly honest about not knowing where I’m going or what I’m doing. Not pretending like I do know.
I truly believe that behind every curtain is someone shaking in their boots. I certainly am. May we continue to peek behind other’s curtains and provide all-access passes for others to peek behind ours.