You Might Be a Food Addict If…
Updated: Oct 13, 2021
You might be a food addict if someone mentions having forgotten to eat and you think they should be checked into a mental hospital. Stat!
*You might be a food addict if you know JUST how far to bury those treaty treat wrappers in the trash so your partner doesn’t see them.
You might be a food addict if you spray your trashcan with bleach to keep you from digging back up the food you threw away.
You might be a food addict if when you hear someone say, “Oh, I could never eat that much,” your first thought is, “You’re just not trying hard enough!”
*You might be a food addict if, “just a bite” turns into “just a bite more”, turns into “Gah, I ate that whole cake”. I mean, the cake was delicious and all, but BLARGH!
*You might be a food addict if you have scrounged together the strangest food combinations with whatever food you have available because you weren’t “satisfied” after dinner. Like the time I ate ice cream topped with Tostitos. No lie, it was almost as delicious as the above cake.
You might be a food addict if you’re convinced that if no one “sees you eat it,” the calories don’t count.
*You might be a food addict if you take out cash to buy food so you don’t have to use your debit card. Calories don’t count when they don’t appear on a bank statement, right?
You might be a food addict if your mental food negotiations are as intense and volatile as hostage negotiations.
You might be a food addict if you scarf down a food item, prompted by the thought, “I shouldn’t have bought it in the first place” only to turn immediately around and purchase a replacement, convinced you’ll portion it out over the course of a week, but eat the full contents on the way home. You shouldn’t have bought it in the first place.
You might be a food addict if a friend recommends a specific flavor of seltzer water, and when you can’t immediately find it in your neighborhood, you order it online. Must taste. Now.
*You might be a food addict if you finish a bag of chips, look at the serving size and think, “Those lying bastards! There is NO way there is (was) 10 servings in this bag!”
You might be a food addict if you receive, “I don’t think you could eat a whole bag of Dove chocolates in one day” as a challenge to meet head-on instead of a loving, health-conscious precaution.
*You might be a food addict if you have ever mumbled the words, “Diet starts tomorrow…” with cheese in your mouth. There is always cheese in the mouth of the person that says this. It’s a rule.
You might be a food addict if you instinctively reach for almond butter instead of Kleenex when you start to feel sad, hard feelings.
You might be a food addict if you brave a snowstorm in the middle of the night for Krispy Kreme donuts. No further explanation needed.
*special contribution by Matthew Wright-Conti