I was born and raised in Oklahoma, where you help people, whether you know them or not.
It was so engrained in my DNA that in second grade, during a timed math test, I started blatantly telling my friend the answers when I saw she wasn’t going to finish in time.
My teacher called me into the hallway and politely started a life-long lesson in learning about boundaries. She likely addressed cheating as well.
Fast forward to a year or two after I moved to NYC, and I was in the grocery store checkout line. The man in front of me was removing his grocery items from his cart one at a time, using only one hand.
I was well-versed in how quickly grocery clerks like to move people along, often scanning the next person’s groceries while my receipt is still printing.
Here was a man who needed help. He was moving at a snail’s pace, not a New York City pace.
I picked up two items from his cart, using both of my hands, and handed them in his direction.
He looked at me with what I could only describe as disgust and said, “Are you in a hurry?” in a way that communicated, “How dare you! You evil, vile excuse for a human being!”
With the wind knocked out of my confidence, tears burning in my eyes, and a shame-filled lump in my throat, I mumbled something conveying “no” and released his groceries.
And then I painstakingly stood there, vibrating with emotions, trying not to show my embarrassment … while he continued loading the conveyer belt with his groceries … one item at a time.
It was a long time after that before I allowed myself to offer to help someone else, no matter the circumstances. I received the clear, soul-crushing message that no one in New York needs help from anyone.
But is that true?
I’m still learning boundaries. When I see someone who needs help, do I help? Or just leave them to suffer?
What would you do?
Great story. Thank you for this. I help as many as I can. Subway performers, selling things on the street. I always think of it as an exchange. As for helping people unprovoked, I have to release the outcome and that is hard. I still get burned but other times people have been grateful. I think there's an honesty about it. In ND, where I am from, people are nice but a very surface. If they knew the real me, would they be as generous? I don't know.
I love the story about "helping" your classmate in 2nd grade - so cute & funny. It sounds like your teacher didn't shame you the way the New Yorker in the grocery line did. I've also had difficulty knowing where to place the boundaries when helping others. COVID has given me a window to pull back and be more aware of unhealthy motivations that drive me along with healthy ones.